Expert shares advice for reducing family vacation drama
Summer brings vacation season. And vacation season can bring drama.
Vacationing with multiple family members or friends of different ages and interests for extended periods of time can create tension, especially if everyone is staying together in the same space.
Paul Springer, a marriage and family expert at Virginia Tech, offers insight into why vacations with family or larger groups can be challenging. He also shares tips to help people create a smoother time away together.
Much of the work should begin before the vacation starts, he said.
Why are summer getaways a common ground for disagreements?
I think one of the biggest assumptions families make is how much time everyone is expected to spend together. For example, are meals shared? Is attendance at every activity expected? Is there downtime built into the schedule?
Next, when having multigenerational vacations, it can often activate tension around parenting styles and discipline. It is easy for grandparents or siblings to begin making critical remarks about how one disciplines their kids, or the amount of screentime, or even what types of snacks and treats a parent may give to their kids.
Finally, issues related to privacy and how you share communal and private space are critical. For example, do you knock on bedroom doors before entering? How you deal with quiet times or nap times can be a source of conflict.
How can people prevent vacation tension with family and friends?
I would recommend that families talk about this before the vacation. Set up clear expectations around time spent together, parenting style differences, and space usage. Remember, having these discussions provides good clarity and emotional safety so that everyone can enjoy their time together. It also reduces preventable misunderstandings.
What strategy can head off disagreements?
I would encourage that every family member (as much as possible) be included in collaboratively planning the vacation. When people feel like their voice is heard, they are more likely to participate and not complain. For example, if we are going on a vacation in the mountains, some family members may have an expectation of hiking every day, while others may want to lounge around the pool or just enjoy nature. Talking about this as a family can minimize stress, clarify expectations, and improve how people feel about the activities that have been chosen.
What about vacations with children? How should families approach planning activities?
It is important to include children in planning the family vacation. When kids feel like they have a voice and a choice, they are much more likely to participate and less likely to complain. Also, don’t overschedule your family vacations, especially if you have young kids. Overscheduling leads to exhaustion, which is more likely to lead to conflict.
What can families do if their getaway involves children of widely differing ages?
This was my family. I was raised with six other siblings, so it was stressful and frustrating trying to enjoy vacations when we had to make time for my younger siblings to take a nap, or the older kids couldn’t do an activity because everyone had to do things together. To address these challenges, I think you must adjust expectations around what activities everyone has to participate in and provide flexibility for different age-related events. Some of my favorite vacations were planned in a way that allowed us to do age-specific activities with my cousins that didn’t have to include my baby brother or sister. It allowed for really positive experiences around activities that interested me and were age-appropriate.
What guiding principle do you suggest families remember while on vacation?
As a father of four boys, when I made family vacations about connections as opposed to a list of activities, it allowed me to slow things down and enjoy every moment. I heard a saying once that said, “the quality of the relationship matters more than the quality of the schedule.” When we take this approach, we are much more flexible when things don’t go the way we hope and are much more open to being spontaneous and present. Being present is what will create memories. It also facilitates emotional safety for people. We all have bad days, but if the goal is about connection, we can slow things down, be more patient, and find ways to connect with everyone.
About Springer
Paul Springer is a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in working with individuals, couples, and families who have experienced loss and trauma. He also works with individuals in recovery through the criminal justice system. He is a clinical fellow of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, and he maintains a small private practice working with couples.
Schedule an interview
To schedule an interview, contact the Virginia Tech Media Relations Office at mediarelations@vt.edu.
